My Story for God's Glory
Posted by William Wall on Thursday, April 16, 2009
By: Lauren Beckner
Have you ever experienced that moment? You know, the one where you feel like your whole world has come crashing down? You're standing there, and the blackness is closing in, and half of you wants to fight it as hard as you possibly can. You want to stretch out and push it away and take a giant gulp of fresh, clean air. And the other half just wants to quit fighting… to give in to the blackness and let it swallow your heart whole.
That moment came for me on October 25, 2003. I remember standing in my bright yellow bedroom, looking out the window and fighting the darkness closing in around my soul. I knew who my God was… or did I? As I watched my dad drive up our driveway for the last time, suddenly I wasn't quite so sure. What was this monstrous disaster that had taken over my family and when would it go away? The ugly truth stared me in the face. But no, that couldn't be true. It went against everything I knew, didn't it? My family didn't believe in divorce! Surely the nightmare would end. It was just a misunderstanding. I would just go to sleep and when I woke up, we'd pretend that nothing had ever happened.
But the white truck never came back down the driveway, and the months wore on… I began to deal with the repercussions of terrible decisions. And the blackness closed in more. I held tight to seeds that had been sewn…bitterness, anger, resentment, and despair. I watched my mother and brother suffer incredible pain and tried to be strong, all the while allowing the darkness to eclipse my own heart. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to fight, and I certainly didn't want to pray. I just wanted to be mad at the world. And quite frankly – I wanted to be mad at God too. He allowed this to happen to me, and I didn't hardly think it was fair. I was angry and frustrated for quite some time.
I'm honestly not sure how it happened, but I remember coming to a point where I realized that I couldn't go on being so angry… it was consuming. I remember thinking I needed to let go of the blackness before it swallowed me whole, and that was terrifying. I'd become quite comfortable in the dark shroud, and I didn't want to open up my heart to the love of God once more.
Know what you know.
What did I know? What was true, no matter what I was feeling at the time? What was constant, regardless of my circumstances?
God is love. He loves me. He allows sin and consequences, but that doesn't change His love. God is faithful. God never changes. So He will always love me. No matter who I am or what I'm going through. No contingencies, no requirements, no threats of leaving. Just because things don't turn out the way I want them to… just because I have to walk through something no person should have to go through – that doesn't change what I know to be true.
Live what you know.
Could I do that? Could I let go of the blackness? Could I open my tightly clenched fist and just…love? Oh, it was going to hurt. The black wall had been my source of protection, but in the process it was eating me alive. Did I have another choice? Live what I know. I had to do it. I braced myself, took a deep breath, and ripped the band aid off of my heart.
And the pain was real, fresh, and intense. I had to face those emotions I'd been avoiding all of that time, and it was horrible at first. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't almost more than I could bear at times. I clung tightly to what I knew. God is love. God is faithful. God has promised not to give me more than I can bear. And over time, it became beautiful. My dark, black, angry heart slowly began to soften and I just fell hopelessly in love with One could heal me completely. I can't count on love from any one person in this world, but there is someone who loves me far more than anyone else ever could. He knows me, He understands me, and He loves me unconditionally. In spite of myself. No questions asked. And after knowing this love, I'll never, ever be the same again. Really.
Share what you know.
Jesus Christ has turned my life upside down. There is no one that can love me more completely, more fully, more wonderfully. You need to know that He is absolutely amazing. And I know it is hard to believe. And I know I sound crazy…but if only you knew…I can't keep silent.
We live in a fallen world and people make massive mistakes, and maybe, like me, you are a victim of the choices of others. And believe me, I know what an awful position that is. Maybe you've made bad choices yourself. Maybe you're fighting mad. Or maybe you've lost all desire to fight at all. But you need to know… you don't have to stay there in that dark place. You have a choice to make. Are you up for the challenge? Can you open your heart to be loved like never before? It is completely terrifying, but definitely so worth it.
This is not about my story…it not about me. It is about God. He can make a way when there is no way. He can do this for you. But you have to be ready.
Can you know what you know? Can you live what you know? Can you share what you know? Because, if you do, I can promise your life will change forever.
Have you ever experienced that moment? You know, the one where you feel like your whole world has come crashing down? You're standing there, and the blackness is closing in, and half of you wants to fight it as hard as you possibly can. You want to stretch out and push it away and take a giant gulp of fresh, clean air. And the other half just wants to quit fighting… to give in to the blackness and let it swallow your heart whole.
That moment came for me on October 25, 2003. I remember standing in my bright yellow bedroom, looking out the window and fighting the darkness closing in around my soul. I knew who my God was… or did I? As I watched my dad drive up our driveway for the last time, suddenly I wasn't quite so sure. What was this monstrous disaster that had taken over my family and when would it go away? The ugly truth stared me in the face. But no, that couldn't be true. It went against everything I knew, didn't it? My family didn't believe in divorce! Surely the nightmare would end. It was just a misunderstanding. I would just go to sleep and when I woke up, we'd pretend that nothing had ever happened.
But the white truck never came back down the driveway, and the months wore on… I began to deal with the repercussions of terrible decisions. And the blackness closed in more. I held tight to seeds that had been sewn…bitterness, anger, resentment, and despair. I watched my mother and brother suffer incredible pain and tried to be strong, all the while allowing the darkness to eclipse my own heart. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to fight, and I certainly didn't want to pray. I just wanted to be mad at the world. And quite frankly – I wanted to be mad at God too. He allowed this to happen to me, and I didn't hardly think it was fair. I was angry and frustrated for quite some time.
I'm honestly not sure how it happened, but I remember coming to a point where I realized that I couldn't go on being so angry… it was consuming. I remember thinking I needed to let go of the blackness before it swallowed me whole, and that was terrifying. I'd become quite comfortable in the dark shroud, and I didn't want to open up my heart to the love of God once more.
Know what you know.
What did I know? What was true, no matter what I was feeling at the time? What was constant, regardless of my circumstances?
God is love. He loves me. He allows sin and consequences, but that doesn't change His love. God is faithful. God never changes. So He will always love me. No matter who I am or what I'm going through. No contingencies, no requirements, no threats of leaving. Just because things don't turn out the way I want them to… just because I have to walk through something no person should have to go through – that doesn't change what I know to be true.
Live what you know.
Could I do that? Could I let go of the blackness? Could I open my tightly clenched fist and just…love? Oh, it was going to hurt. The black wall had been my source of protection, but in the process it was eating me alive. Did I have another choice? Live what I know. I had to do it. I braced myself, took a deep breath, and ripped the band aid off of my heart.
And the pain was real, fresh, and intense. I had to face those emotions I'd been avoiding all of that time, and it was horrible at first. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't almost more than I could bear at times. I clung tightly to what I knew. God is love. God is faithful. God has promised not to give me more than I can bear. And over time, it became beautiful. My dark, black, angry heart slowly began to soften and I just fell hopelessly in love with One could heal me completely. I can't count on love from any one person in this world, but there is someone who loves me far more than anyone else ever could. He knows me, He understands me, and He loves me unconditionally. In spite of myself. No questions asked. And after knowing this love, I'll never, ever be the same again. Really.
Share what you know.
Jesus Christ has turned my life upside down. There is no one that can love me more completely, more fully, more wonderfully. You need to know that He is absolutely amazing. And I know it is hard to believe. And I know I sound crazy…but if only you knew…I can't keep silent.
We live in a fallen world and people make massive mistakes, and maybe, like me, you are a victim of the choices of others. And believe me, I know what an awful position that is. Maybe you've made bad choices yourself. Maybe you're fighting mad. Or maybe you've lost all desire to fight at all. But you need to know… you don't have to stay there in that dark place. You have a choice to make. Are you up for the challenge? Can you open your heart to be loved like never before? It is completely terrifying, but definitely so worth it.
This is not about my story…it not about me. It is about God. He can make a way when there is no way. He can do this for you. But you have to be ready.
Can you know what you know? Can you live what you know? Can you share what you know? Because, if you do, I can promise your life will change forever.
